Diary of an Online English Tutor: Week 1

Diary of an Online English Tutor – Week 1: Pirates, Potatoes, and Pronunciation Panic

Dear Diary,
I survived another week in the wild world of online English tutoring. The highs were high, the Wi-Fi was low, and I briefly became a root vegetable. Let’s review.

Monday – Argh, Matey! It’s Idiom Time

We kicked off the week with idioms, which are apparently “just pirate code”, according to my enthusiastic 10-year-old student, Andre.
His argument:

“Dead as a doornail? That’s something a pirate would say.”
“Spill the beans? Definitely pirate behavior.”

He now insists on saying “I must walk the plank!” every time he makes a mistake in speaking practice. I am slightly alarmed, but also impressed by the commitment.

Tuesday – Grammar Rap Battle (It Was a Tie)

I tried something new: a rap challenge where students had to rhyme using irregular verbs.
One student came in HOT with:

“I wrote a note, then drove a boat,
I ate a goat… wait, can I do that?”
Another replied:
“You sang, I swam, but grammar still BAM!”

I awarded no points for nutritional accuracy but full marks for flair.
Also, someone’s grandma was watching off-camera and clapped after every verse. Iconic.

Wednesday – The Dog Who Stole the Show

One of my teenage students from Brazil showed up with his golden retriever sitting next to him at the desk.
The dog was staring at the screen like he, too, wanted to learn the Present Perfect.
Halfway through our reading task, the dog gently placed a paw on the keyboard.
Suddenly, the screen was filled with:
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF”
We decided that was his opinion on phrasal verbs.
We both agreed.

Thursday – I Was a Potato. Again.

Tech problems, thy name is Zoom filter.
I logged into my 9 a.m. lesson and, without warning, my face became a giant, spotty potato.
I tried to fix it but my mouse froze, so I just taught the whole lesson that way.
To my student’s credit, he only laughed for ten straight minutes.
Later, another student told me: “I understood everything you said. But I couldn’t take grammar advice from a vegetable.”
Fair point. Fair point.

Friday – “My Dog Ate My Homework” Goes Digital

One of my long-time students told me she couldn’t complete her assignment because her dog ate her laptop charger.
I laughed.
She held up the chewed cable.
I apologized.
The dog also barked during the lesson, as if to say, “Yeah, I did that. Try me.”
We now have a new rule: All homework submissions must be dog-proof.

Weekend – Sweet, Blissful Freedom (and Weird Hobby Time)

Saturday: I spent four hours cleaning my keyboard with a toothpick. Don’t ask why — I find it meditative.
I also rearranged my bookshelf by “level of emotional damage the book caused.” And yes, “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” is near the top. Because Dumbledore. “sniff”
Sunday was spent at a used bookstore where I bought a grammar guide from 1973 for absolutely no reason other than the fact that it smells like knowledge and mothballs.