May has arrived.
The birds are singing.
The pollen is weaponised.
And students everywhere are suddenly remembering they have exams “quite soon actually.”
As a British tutor living in the USA, May is a fascinating time of year. Americans become wildly optimistic the second the temperature reaches 70 degrees, (21 degrees for my British friends) while I remain emotionally prepared for rain at all times.
Teaching-wise? Absolute chaos.
Monday – The Allergy Season Lesson
I began Monday sneezing so aggressively that one student asked if I was buffering.
We were practising health vocabulary:
- “I have a headache.”
- “I have a sore throat.”
- “I have seasonal allergies and spiritually I am suffering.”
One student confidently announced:
“Teacher, your eyes look British today.”
I still don’t fully know what that means.
Tuesday – The Student Who Spoke Entirely in Corporate Nonsense
Business English lesson.
Dangerous already.
I asked my student to describe his work responsibilities. He replied:
“I leverage cross-functional communication pipelines to optimise stakeholder synergy.”
Brave reader, this man works in parking management.
I gently suggested simpler language.
He looked horrified and whispered:
“But then how will people know I’m professional?”
A fair question in modern business culture.
Wednesday – The Great Idiom Disaster
Today’s topic: idioms. I explained:
“It’s raining cats and dogs.”
A student immediately asked:
“How many dogs before it becomes dangerous?”
Another asked whether British people genuinely say this during storms. Yes. We do.
Usually while standing outside in unsuitable shoes pretending everything is fine.
Thursday – Business Shakespeare Appears
The same corporate student returned.
This time he attempted persuasive email writing.
His opening sentence:
“Dear Maria, thou hast ignored mine previous correspondence.”
I stared at the screen for so long my webcam dimmed.
The email continued:
“Perchance we might circle back regarding the quarterly metrics.”
It was like LinkedIn and a Renaissance fair had merged into one deeply unsettling human being.
I corrected the grammar.
I could not correct the energy.
Friday – The Pronunciation Betrayal
Today I had to explain why: “Though”, “Through”, “Thought”and “Tough” are all pronounced differently.
The students looked betrayed.
Honestly? Fair.
One student leaned back dramatically and said:
“English is just vibes.”
And after nine years of teaching?
I fear he may be right.
Weekend – Tea, Sunshine, and Denial
Saturday:
Went for a walk and confidently announced, “Lovely weather,” despite immediately getting too hot.
That’s the British experience abroad:
complaining about rain until sunshine arrives, then complaining about the sunshine.
Sunday:
Bought iced coffee large enough to require structural engineering and spent the afternoon lesson planning in a park.
By “lesson planning,” I mean watching squirrels fight while occasionally opening my laptop to feel productive.
Thoughts from May:
Teaching English means explaining:
- grammar rules with exceptions,
- pronunciation with no logic,
- and idioms involving airborne livestock.
But every now and then, a student accidentally writes:
“Thou hast ignored mine previous correspondence,”
…and suddenly the whole profession feels worth it.
